Archives: February 14, 2025

The internet has opened up endless opportunities for us to create something, and make money online. Social media offers businesses an opportunity to market their products for free and to create engagement with their brands and grow communities. So many people are now using the internet and social media to create something outside of their 9-5 jobs.

A few years ago I was browsing on social media when I came across an account of a life coach. A life coach? What is even is that? I was inspired by this person’s positivity, drive and what they did for a living. This is when it hit me and I felt this deep sense of knowing that this is exactly what I had been put on the earth to do. Growing up I was outgoing, would talk to everyone and thrived off making people laugh and bringing joy to their lives. I discovered self-help books in my twenties and found myself becoming addicted to developing and improving myself, setting goals and working towards something bigger. When I saw this life coach online, all of the dots joined up and I just knew that this was what I was meant to be doing.

So I had found my purpose, I knew this is what I was here to do…then what?

I set up a social media account on a couple of platforms, signed up to Canva and got creating posts. In the early days I didn’t show my face and instead just posted inspirational quotes to put positivity out into the world. After doing this for 6 months and not gaining any traction, I knew that I needed to be doing something different. I look at other people’s accounts for inspiration. They were showing up online, telling their stories on why they were there, posting pictures and videos of themselves. I knew this is what I also needed to do if I was to truly inspire people and reach people who I could truly help with my services.

The thought of filming myself and posting it onto my account made me feel sick with nerves. There were a lot of people who I knew who were following my account. Friends, family members, colleagues from my 9-5 job. The fear of judgement from others, what they would think was too much for me to push through and take action. So I ignored what I needed to do and carried on doing what I was already doing for a few more weeks knowing full well that it wouldn’t bring me any results.

A few weeks past. I had such a strong urge and vision that this was what I was meant to be doing, that I decided to finally take action. I ordered a tripod with a light and set a date of when I would film my first reel. The rest is history.

Fear has come up on my journey over and over again, and I know that it will continue to arise in the future as well. We feel fear whenever we push ourselves out of our comfort zone. If we want to expand and grow then we need to know how to deal with these uncomfortable feelings and push forward regardless. Here are some things that I have found useful on my journey to push through fear of posting online.

1) Acknowledge the Feeling for what it is. Fear stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real”, and that is exactly what it is. Fear is there to protect us and keep us safe. Back when we were living in tribes, if we stepped outside of what the rest of the tribe were doing, we would be shunned and rejected from the tribe. In the modern day this is still the case. We fear that if we step outside the societal norms that we will be judged and abandoned by friends and family members. When fear arises, don’t try to push it away. Sit with the feeling. Understand where it is coming from. I find writing in a journal really useful for this. That way you can understand whether it is an actual threat or whether it is something that is trying to keep you safe that you can work through.

2) Take action regardless of how you feel. The best way to combat fear is to take action and run head first into it. Think about something in the past that you did for the very first time. It was the unknown, you were probably a bit worried about how it would pan out. After doing that thing over and over again, you stopped worrying about it and it was no longer something you even thought about. One day the thing you are fearing will be second nature to you. Expand your comfort zone and take action.

3) Block people who you feel may prevent you from showing up fully as yourself. I got over the fear of judgement pretty quickly when it came to posting pictures or videos of myself. The more I did it, the less I worried about it. However, I was still not being 100% myself. I was holding back from showing up in videos as exactly who I was. I pinpointed this down to a couple of people who were a blocked for me being truly me online. To overcome this I blocked them from being able to see my content or being able to search my profile. Knowing that they couldn’t see my posts gave me free rein to say what I wanted to say without fear of judgement. However, remember that you can’t block everyone, and you do need to work on not caring what other people think.

4) Understand your why behind what you are doing. It’s easy to set goals and aim for things with a surface level goal. However when you have a deeper purpose behind why you are doing something it helps you push through fear and carry on when things get tough. Is the content you are creating impacting people in a positive way? Have this in mind when you are creating your videos and know that you are doing this for a bigger purpose than yourself. If someone judges you, it your content inspires or helps someone else, than isn’t that a great thing?

5) Know that judgement comes from a place of lack. When people judge you it’s because you are highlighting an insecurity within themselves. Also, people are too absorbed in their own lives to care about what you are posting online. So go on and put that damn picture up already!

Posting online has definitely been a journey, and one that gets easier every single time. Don’t let the fear of what other people think get in the way of you living the life that you truly want and deserve. Know the deeper reason behind why you are doing it and enjoy the process.

If you found this post useful and would be interested in working with me, I offer 1:1 coaching, available in the link below:

https://www.pursuitofpurpose.co.uk/contact/

Happy Posting! <3

It’s easy to go through life and get caught up in the day to day and then wake up and realise you have everything you wished for but feel unfulfilled. We live in a world of consumerism where we are constantly fed the notion that if we do more and buy more then this will lead us to feeling more happy. We set goals and strive for more and think that if we can just reach those goals then there will be a magical pot of gold at the end and a sense of completeness and fulfilment.

I was in this place a few years ago where I work up one day and it hit me in the face. I was not happy in my life and I made a decision there and then to change this fact. I have been on a journey to live a more meaningful life. There are some big changes that I have made, such as my job, but a lot of my purpose has been found in the small things that I can do every day.

Here’s what has helped me:

1) Practicing mindfulness. Bringing yourself to the present moment whenever you can. The other morning I was on the platform waiting for the train when I found out it was delayed by 4 minutes. Instead of taking out my phone to kill the time, I just stood there doing some deep breathing, fully in the present moment. The great thing about mindfulness is that you can practice it anywhere. Just getting outside in nature for 15 minutes each day can help lift your mood and wellbeing. Go on walks with no distractions, be fully present and notice what is around you. The world is a magical place, we just don’t take enough time out of our day to day to notice it.

2) Spreading joy and kindness. Something that personally gives me purpose is deciding how I show up each day and how I interact with others. You get to choose how you approach things, and how you react to things. You get to choose how you show up and what you will pass onto others. Smiling is contagious. Laughter is contagious. Choosing every morning to be positive and bring joy to the world will bring you purpose through how you interact and impact others.

3) Helping others where I can. One of the best ways to feel fulfilled is to serve others. This doesn’t have to be large gestures, or giving up your whole day when you are limited on time anyway. It can be as simple as doing one small act of kindness each day. Make someone a cup of tea, hold the door open for someone, when driving let someone out into the traffic, make time to listen to a friend who is going through something. Over time these small acts of kindness will build and will lead to you feeling happier and more fulfilled.

4) Setting goals and working towards these every day. A couple of years ago when I was burnt out and feeling low, I set myself some goals all around my wellness and getting back to a better place. I used a daily goal planner, tracked my habits and set myself tasks every single day working towards a bigger goal. This gave me a big sense of purpose as I was bettering myself each day and working towards something. As humans we are designed to evolve and grow, so setting goals is a great way to get fulfilment in your life.

5) Meditation and connecting with yourself on a deeper level. Practicing meditation on a daily basis is powerful when it comes to living with more purpose. Setting time aside in your morning routine to just sit for 10 minutes and clear your mind is a great way to connect with yourself and be in the present moment. To help you get started I would recommend using a guided meditation app. I use one called ‘Insight Timer’ which is free and has thousands of guided meditations on there under lots of different categories.

Over time things compound. Taking small steps every day may seem like you’re not doing much, but be patient, as over time these will build into something beautiful. Stay consistent and you will start to see the benefits of these small steps you are taking. Living your life with purpose is simply choosing how you show up each day and what you will spend your time doing.

For those looking to find their purpose in life on a deeper level, and to understand what they are here to do, I can help in my 1:1 coaching sessions.

For more information follow the below link: https://www.pursuitofpurpose.co.uk/coaching

I am someone who always strives for more. A better relationship with my partner, doing more with my friends, getting fitter, eating more healthily, achieving goals that I set myself and then setting more. It’s easy to get caught up in always wanting more, especially in a society where this is drilled into us. Consumerism is everywhere and we are sold the dream of owning things will make us happy and feel successful. Wanting more, consuming more and striving for more is what will make us happy, only to find when we get there it doesn’t. The joys of getting something new or achieving a goal are fleeting and we are left feeling empty, which starts us back on the treadmill of wanting the next thing that we think will satisty us.

On the opposite side to this, is being completely content with what you have an never striving for anything more. As humans we are designed to evolve and grow and without this we are not living our purpose. In bettering ourselves every single day, we are strengthening ourselves to be of service to others.

So how do we hit the right balance of still growing and striving for better, whilst being grateful for what we have? Here are things that I have done to help me do exactly that.

1. Practicing daily gratitude for what we already have. Practicing gratitude is powerful. When we consistently think about what we already have we begin to notice the little things around us and be appreciative for our life. It gives us time to reflect and feel content with what we have. I do this every day and take 5 minutes at the end of the day to write down 3 things that I am grateful for. I then separately write about my partner and what I am grateful for about him. I write down little things he has done that day or sometimes more generally about what I value about him and what he brings to our partnership. By focussing on the positives it helps us to realise what we already have and stops us constantly thinking we want more.

2) Setting goals and then at the same time choosing a reward for when these have been achieved. I have always set myself goals and been working towards something for the last 10 years, however, for the last year I started setting myself goals and then choosing an appropriate award for when I had completed it. By doing this, when I reached my goal the reward gave me time to reflect on what I had achieved and not just move straight onto the next thing. It gives me time to appreciate what has changed and how far I have come, as well as making achieving the goal more satisfying.

3) Discovering your ‘why’ behind every goal that you set. Your ‘why’ is the deeper reason behind why you want to achieve a particular goal. For example, your goal could be to get a promotion. Your surface level ‘why’ could be ‘because you want to make more money’. Your deeper ‘why’ could actually be ‘because you want to provide security to your family’. By connecting with the deeper reasoning behind your goal, when you reach it you are more likely to feel a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction, rather than feeling empty and wanting to move onto the next thing. Connecting with your ‘why’ is also really useful to stay motivated throughout your journey when things get tough and the little voice in your head pops up encouraging you to quit.

4) Romanticising your life and the work you are doing. I like to romanticise what I am doing so that I take time to enjoy the process rather than always aiming for the goal. This could be as simple as lighting a candle in my workspace and making it cosy, going to a coffee shop and ordering a lush drink whilst I work on things, or putting on a full face of makeup for when I am working from home and not seeing anyone.

5) Meditate and take time to connect with yourself. Centring yourself during meditation is a great way to connect with the present moment. Just being and existing in the present helps you to focus on the now rather than always living in the future.

6) Getting out of the consumer mindset and reducing your exposure to advertising and consumerism. I stopped buying clothes from shops over 6 years ago, and I have stuck to this on most occasions. I aim to only buy a few items of clothing a year and most of these will be second hand clothes from charity shops. Before I make a purchase I ask myself whether I need it and whether I love it. When we can distance ourselves from a consumer mindset, this feeds into other areas of our life and we can learn to become grateful for what we already have.

I have realised it is so important to live in the now and not constantly live in the future waiting for when I have achieved certain things and thinking I will instantly be happy when this time comes. It’s cheesy to say, but life is genuinely all about the journey. If we don’t enjoy the journey of working towards our goals and appreciate where we already are, then life will pass us by.

I hope you have found this post useful. If you are interested in working with me, I offer 1:1 coaching to empower women to live a life a purposeful life and achieve big goals. You can contact me here: Contact or follow me on Instagram here: Emily – Empowering Women to Live Their Dream Life (@emily_pursuit_of_purpose) • Instagram photos and videos

Everyone has a dream, yet very few of us are living them. We only get one life and that life can be very short, so why are so many of us not living the life that we really want? In most cases it’s fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what other people may think. Fear of making too much money and not knowing how to manage it. Fear of going against the grain. This fear keeps us small, keeps us safe. It keeps us from living the life that we truly desire.

So how do we push through this fear and move forward into our dream life?

1. Discover and re-write your self-limiting beliefs

We all have self-limiting beliefs which are engrained on our sub-conscious. These beliefs are often not our own and have been imposed upon us since we were born by our parents, teachers, carers, through societal norms and friends. These beliefs are hidden to our conscious mind and we make decisions based on these without even thinking about them.

Think about your dream life and all of the things you have thought about doing, but have stopped yourself. Spend some time writing all of these down and thinking about all the beliefs you have around these things. For example, one dream of yours could be write a book but you have never pursued it. Your self-limiting belief could be that no-one would like the book and it would never be published. Therefore, you have always stopped yourself from starting to write a book. This has kept you safe from being rejected by publishers and you have remained in your comfort zone.

Once you have identified all of your self-limiting beliefs it is time to re-write them. Your book scenario could turn into something like ‘I have always wanted to write a book as this is something I would love to do. Thousands of books get published every year, so I know that mine can be too if I believe in my dream and don’t give up.’

2. Find your big WHY

This is your vision and the reason why you want to achieve your goal. What does your dream life look like? What would this allow you to do and how would you live? How does this feel? This is the thing that will keep you going through the tough times. Keep you moving forward when you face obstacles and things get hard. Without a reason why, a goal is just a goal.

Throughout your journey keep checking in on your vision. Revisit it, lean into it, feel it and you will keep moving forwards.

3. Set SMART goals

Specific – what exactly is your goal. What do you specifically want to achieve?

Measurable – A goal needs to be able to be measured so you can identify whether it has been met or not. Defining this at the outset will make it super clear on what steps you need to take to achieve it.

Achievable – You want your goal to be ambitious, but it also needs to be achievable within the timeframe and with the resources you have available to you.

Relevant – your goal should be relevant to your long-term objectives and be aligned to your values.

Timebound – your end date should be realistic so you can achieve your goal. Also make it ambitious to increase your motivation and to keep you taking action and moving forwards.

4. Break your goals down into small chunks

Breaking your goals down into bite-sized chunks makes them seem less daunting and more achievable. Do one small thing every day towards your goals. Keep moving forward. Without fail. If you fall off track, acknowledge this, get back on track as soon as you can and keep moving ahead. Lots of us set out on our journey to achieving a goal. When we fail to keep up with the momentum and stop after a few days or weeks, we think that’s it and we don’t pick ourselves up and carry on. It’s natural that sometimes we will have a lapse in our habits and won’t be able to muster up the motivation to do something towards our goal. Acknowledge this, pick up from where you left off and keep going.

5. Acknowledge how far you have come.

Look back, reflect and review what you have achieved and how you have grown. This will continue to program your sub-conscious and will help to cement your new belief system that you can do this.

6. Hold yourself accountable.

You can do this by tracking your goals and habits, and/or finding an accountability partner and sharing your goals with them. Meet up regularly and talk though your goals and whether you are on track or not. You should choose someone who you trust and who will be able to confront and encourage you to keep going if you do falter.

I have found the best way to achieve my goals is preparation and setting yourself up for success. Setting realistic goals and scheduling in time each day to work on them can really help. I also look at what obstacles are likely to come up before I have even started and acknowledge them. I don’t try to solve them there and then, but just accept that they may come up. If a solution comes to mind right then, great! I note it down and move on.

Don’t let fear stand in the way of what you want to achieve. Fear can be a positive thing. Use the fear you have about remaining in the current situation you are as a way to propel yourself forward into actively changing your life. Fear is a feeling. It can be overcome. Have your clear goal in sight and do everything to keep moving towards it and you will eventually get there.

One day I woke up and I could no longer relate to my friends. I didn’t know what they had / were going through by having children as I hadn’t experienced this for myself. The majority of our conversations in person and on messages had changed into something I couldn’t relate to or was part of. Unintentionally I felt excluded and on my own. This feeling led me to spiral, doubt things, and create situations that weren’t really there. I suddenly felt isolated, lost and didn’t know who I was anymore.

Something that dawned on me was there are very few places for women who have made a decision not to have children to meet like-minded women. When I was feeling low and lonely, I took to googling “childfree by choice” and nothing was coming up. All the online forums and support were for women who were childless but not through choice.

Women who choose to have children meet new friends through NCT groups, when they pick up their child from nursery or school, at birthday parties, soft plays and other baby and toddler groups. They have something that instantly bonds and connects them, and they can reach out for advice and support. I found that after my friends had children they were naturally expanding their friendship circles, and it highlighted how I was struggling to do the same.

I realised that things were not going to change unless I took action and put myself into situations where I could meet new people. I was lucky enough to meet a group of women at my gym, where we connected over pushing and championing each other to do our best. Reaching out to start a new hobby or doing a new activity could be a great way to meet likeminded people.

That next year I went on a journey to find myself again, find people I could relate to, find my purpose in life and to start really loving and enjoying every day again.

Here are some ways that helped me get through this period of my life:

1. I worked out the things that made me happy and did more of those; reading, creating art, cooking, gardening and being outside in nature.
2. I realised that things will come back around and although we are on different paths, my friends are still my friends. I put more effort into seeing them to ensure that our friendships stayed strong.
3. I tried new things to meet new people and make new friends. I joined a gym and go to the same time class every morning where I see the same people. I have made friends with a group of women who all support, empower and inspire each other and we meet up outside the gym at least once a month to do something fun.
4. I spent time with friends who don’t have children. I still have a couple of friends outside my main friendship group who are yet to have children. I made sure I saw these friends often to continue to do the things we love together.
5. I carved out time for self-reflection to evaluate where I was in life, what I wanted out of it and what my purpose was, and to celebrate what I could bring to the world. This sparked the biggest change for me and lead me to taking courses, moving away from my 5 day a week job and into becoming a life coach to support and empower women to live their life fully and follow their dreams.

When I went on a mission to expand my friendship group, feelings of guilt arose about my current friends. I felt guilty for wanting to meet new people as if my friends that had been by my side for all those years were not good enough. I had to remind myself that they were still my friends and I was still going to put effort and energy into our relationships, but that it was OK to meet new people and want more of what my friends could no longer give me.

It wasn’t about cutting ties with old friends. I believe we very much need our friends with kids. How great is it when you get to go and be childlike, explore and play, be silly, and have fun with your friend’s kids. It’s an opportunity to be completely present and carefree. What is even better is you get to give them back after a few hours, go home and continue to spend your time how you want to. It’s a reminder to be grateful for the free time you do have, being able to take naps on the sofa, and having the freedom to do what you want and when you want. Although they are busy and have other priorities, they are still there for you in the bad times and still care about you.

You become a party / holiday magnet. As the person who has decided not to have kids, you are the go-to person when one of your friends needs to let their hair down and have some time away from their children. One of my friends came to me recently and said she wants to do something incredible to raise money for a charity close to her heart, so naturally we are taking on Everest base camp this year in September! You are the person people first think of when they want to do something fun, and it surprised me how many opportunities started to come up when I opened my eyes to them.

Life is a journey and we are faced with challenges that we have to adapt and develop to be able to move through. Things change and we need to give ourselves permission to embrace the change; say goodbye to things and people that no-longer serve us, hold onto and cherish the things and people that still do, and to expand our comfort zones, say yes to life, new people and new adventures!

I remember joining a Zoom call with my friends during lockdown to have a catch up, a laugh, and to feel a bit better about life and the situation we all found ourselves in. These are friends who I have shared a lot of fun times with, going out to bars, being carefree and constantly having a laugh. I was buzzing about the call as I has been feeling a bit low about the covid situation and my job was really full on at that time. However, after an hour on Zoom I came away feeling even more low with a sinking feeling in my stomach. We had spent an hour talking about their toddlers, babies, morning sickness, which is the best breast pump to use and some rather graphic conversations about childbirth. Although I had nothing to input into these conversations, I remained engaged, asked questions and showed empathy where necessary. After finishing the call I realised my friends were now all on a new journey of their own and that their priorities had very much changed.

I do think my situation was enhanced by the global pandemic, as we couldn’t go out and do what we used to do, regardless of whether my friends had kids or not. However, the connection that I used to have with them had changed as their interests and what they wanted to talk about were very different. Although my friend’s lives changed dramatically when they had children, I have noticed a lot of positives that have come out of it as well. Some of them have become a lot more empathetic, more caring and sweat less about the little stuff.

Things do improve in your friendships. Over time your friends who have had children come back around as they get to a point where they are ready to start venturing out and having fun again. This is where you come in as the childless fun auntie. They start to seek you out for 1-1 time with you away from their kids to start to feel like themselves again. “I really needed this” is a common phrase said by my friends after we have been for a dinner or had a few drinks and a well needed catch up. I find 1-1 conversations are a lot more focussed on them as individuals and it doesn’t revolve around stories about their children. 1-1 you get deeper into things and you are able to input into these conversations and share what is going on in your life. In a group environment a heavy proportion of the time is filled with conversations about their kids, what they aren’t eating, reading out their latest school reports and always bringing it back round to child birth horror stories that genuinely make me feel queasy. I have just learnt as time has gone on that when I see my friends with kids, this is how things will be. I have just accepted that we will talk a lot about kids and I just turn up armed with questions to take a genuine interest in their lives. At the end of the day they are still my friends, I love them dearly, and I care about their lives and what goes on in them.

Here are some things I have found useful to help maintain my friendships with my friends who have children:

• Make the time to see them and work around their schedule

Children require routine. Therefore, being flexible about plans with your friends can really help them. Making yourself available and working around their routine will give you more opportunities to see your friends, especially when their children are really young. I have accepted that I will most often travel to see my friends to be able to work around their kids. I know it will not be forever and that it is just something I need to do in order to see my friends more often than not.

• Regularly commit to something on the calendar and accept that this may change.

Plans change, especially when your friends have children. Last minute things come up, their children are sick, childcare falls through. The best thing I did was to accept this and have a back-up plan that was fun and focussed on self-care. For example, if I had plans to go out for dinner with a friend then I would have a back-up plan of a movie night with a face mask and made sure I had popcorn in the cupboard. Or plans in the day could be substituted for reading a brand-new book with a candle and a cup of tea. Having a back up plan focussed on you makes it a lot easier to deal with last minute cancellations.

• Be present.

This calls for any friendships whether or not they have children or not. Being present and being in the moment is the best thing you can do for your friendships. When you have committed your time to seeing someone, show up fully with no other distractions. Growing up I was never really good at listening as I was so focussed on being the clown or on what I was going to say next. This is a skill I have really developed over time and throughout my career and think it has helped in all aspects of my life. By showing someone you are listening and taking time to process what they are saying rather than thinking about what you want to say really shows someone you care and that they are being heard.

• Show up for your friends even if you can’t relate to what they are going through.

It’s hard to empathise with someone when you cannot relate to what they are going through. This doesn’t mean that you still can’t try and to check-in with them regularly. Ask questions and be curious about what they are going through. Really listen to them to show that you care and try to imagine things from their perspective. If I find myself thinking about one of my friends who is going through a tough time, I will make sure that I reach out to them. We can often let our own lives take over and think we will message them or check in in a few days’ time. If I don’t have time to message them there and then, I will set a reminder in my phone at a time when I know I will be free and have the headspace to reach out to them.

• Say yes to things that may not be your idea of fun.

Time is precious and I believe in setting boundaries and only saying yes to things which will be fun or you would enjoy. As I have got older, I have realised that I clung onto friendships in the past and did things that I necessarily didn’t want to do. However, when you know your friends are worth the effort then there are times where you need to say yes to things which aren’t necessarily your idea of fun. Look for the benefits in everything you do. Spending 2 hours in a soft play with loads of screaming children may not be the first place you think to hang out, but if this means you get a chance to catch up with your friend you haven’t seen in a while and check in, then say yes.

• Accept that friendships evolve and change.

The relationships with my friends who have children have definitely changed, but I still love them and enjoy spending time with them, it’s just different. I feel most alive when I am exploring, out in nature or doing something new. Something I love, which I don’t do enough is going to a friend’s house and having a glass of wine or two with a good old catch up. This has been replaced by a cup of tea and a conversation interrupted by their children. Or a cup of coffee in a soft play which involves a bit more physical exercise. I have accepted that we will have interrupted, sporadic conversations, and that is ok.

Although I put a lot of effort into my existing friendships, there did come a time when I accepted that I cannot get everything that I need from my current friends. This felt wrong at first and I felt awfully guilting for wanting new friends. However, I came to realise that they are on different journeys to mine and it is OK for me to find likeminded people who are on a similar journey to myself, who I can connect with and enjoy uninterrupted time doing what makes us feel alive.

For my next blog I will be writing about my experience and quest to find new friendships with some handy tips on how you can do the same.

It is becoming more and more prevalent in the modern world that people are making the decision on whether or not to start a family. With the current state of the climate, the effect of social media on the younger generations, and people putting their career ahead of all else, more and more women are consciously making a decision on whether or not to bring a child into the world.

For some they have been super clear on what they want in life and they have always seen themselves being a mum and raising a family. For others they have never seen themselves having children and the decision has been a no brainer for them living a childfree life. However, for some of us it is not as black and white and we can find ourselves spiralling around and around, exhausted with decision fatigue without a clear direction to go in.

Growing up I was unsure as to whether I would have children or not. I always assumed that I would have a family one day, but otherwise I didn’t give it much thought. It was only in the past few years that my decision to be childless by choice has come about. I have seen many of my close friends embark on the journey of motherhood and over time I have realised this is not the route that I want to take. There are many reasons that I have chosen to lead a childless life, which I will not go into detail now, However, I can say that I am really comfortable with the decision I have made and it feels very right for me and the life I want to live.

After spending a few years struggling wondering whether or not to have children of my own, I found the following useful to finally make a decision that I was confident with:

1. Is pressure from other people fuelling your desire to have children?

We all feel the pressure and expectations of modern-day society. Find a partner, get married, buy a house, start a family, all whilst climbing the ladder in your career. Constant questions around expectations of your next steps; “when are you going to settle down and find a partner?”, “when are you going to get engaged?”, “when are you going to have children?”, “when are you going to have another one?”. I can’t imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of these questions if you had been trying for a family but without any success. This constant pressure we face and consistently thinking about other people’s perceptions of us is draining.

Take a step back and think about the reasons as to why you want to start a family. Are these coming from yourself, or are they mainly being driven by a partner, a parent or friend?

2. Is time having an impact on the decision you are making?

Whether or not to start a family is a big decision to make. With our biological clocks constantly ticking, the reality is we have window in which we can conceive. A decision needs to be made within a certain time limit if we end up wanting to have children to give us the best chances of conceiving. The time aspect around making this decision can leave some people rushing it rather than taking the time to think it through and deciding what they really want in life.

Is the fear of running out of time to conceive swaying you to a particular decision?

3. Does a child fit into your ideal life?

I have always loved travelling, visiting new places and experiencing new things. I feel most alive when I am outside doing things, spending time with my friends and family, or creating new things like art, writing or content. When I thought about the future and my dream life, at the forefront there was time and freedom for me to still be able to do all of these things.

Think about your goals and hopes of your future, what you want out of life and what your dream life looks like. If you have a partner, discuss this with them to ensure you are aligned. Then work out whether a child fits into that life.

4. Uncover your fears which are holding you back from making a decision.

I’ve never been someone who has had a burning desire to have children. My oldest brother had my nieces after he had just finished university and seeing how hard it was and how much it changed his life made me question whether I wanted to go down the same path, albeit later in life.

As I have never really imagined myself with kids, I dug into the underlaying reason as to why I found myself thinking about whether I wanted them or not. I discovered my reasons for having kids was fear. Fear of telling my parents I wasn’t going to give them anymore grandchildren. Fear of missing out on the great things that come with having children; the love, nurturing them and watching them grow up and become their own person. The fear of not fitting in when all my friends were talking about kids. My biggest fear was the fear of growing old and lonely without anyone to look after me. I realised this was the biggest thing that was keeping me wondering whether I should have them or not. Pretty selfish right?

Take a moment to think about the decision whether to start a family or not. Write down all your thoughts and fears that come up for you around that subject. Go through each one and write down a positive phrase to balance out the fear. For example, a fear could be “I am afraid that my parents will not love me if I do not provide them with any grandchildren”. Your balancing statement could then be “my parents have eternal love for me regardless of whether I have children or not”. Or you could have a fear such as “I’m worried that I will not be a good parent and will project my pain onto my children”.  Your balancing statement for this could be “I am a kind and caring person and I will nurture my child to lead their life with this value”. Visit these positive statements every day to re-write your fears and sub-conscious beliefs around your decision. This will help to rid any feelings of shame or guilt that may arise after you have made your decision.

5. Listen to your gut.

The brain and our gut are intimately connected. Our gut can send signals to our brain, and vice versa our brain can send signals to our gut. This is what people refer to when they talk about their ‘gut feel’, or that “I had a feeling in my gut and just knew it was the right decision”.

Take a moment to find somewhere comfortable to sit in silence and where you won’t be disturbed. Rest your hands in your lap and close your eyes. Rid your mind of all thoughts, and when one does pop into your head, acknowledge it is there, and then push it aside without interacting with it. Keep repeating this process any time a thought appears. Take time to sit with yourself in peace for 5 minutes every day to help clear your mind. Over time this may make things easier for you to understand how you are feeling. What is your gut telling you about the decision whether to be childless by choice or not?

6. Imagine you have already made the decision.

Another technique to help you decide is to imagine that you have already made the decision. Believe that you have made the decision to have a child and sit with it for a few days. How does it make you feel? Keep a journal and write all your thoughts, feelings and fears over the next few days around the decision of you having a child.

Carry out the same exercise, but believing you have made the decision not to have children. Again, note down in a journal all your thoughts, feelings and fears throughout the next few days.

Was there a decision that felt more right, where you noted a lot more positive thoughts and feelings? What were the fears that came up for you? Could these have been swaying your decision previously?

       

7. Speak to a professional to work through your decision.

If you are still undecided and do not know what is the best route for you, maybe speaking to a professional could help you to get closer to a decision. Speaking to a neutral person can be a cathartic process and can help you to uncover things about yourself that you may not have previously thought of.

Deciding on whether or not to bring a child into the world is not a light hearted decision and should not be rushed either way. There are so many positives for both raising a family, as well as living a child free life. You need to do what is right for you and the life you want to lead. Take control of this one precious life that you have been given and live it on your terms.