How to maintain your friendships when your friends have had children.

I remember joining a Zoom call with my friends during lockdown to have a catch up, a laugh, and to feel a bit better about life and the situation we all found ourselves in. These are friends who I have shared a lot of fun times with, going out to bars, being carefree and constantly having a laugh. I was buzzing about the call as I has been feeling a bit low about the covid situation and my job was really full on at that time. However, after an hour on Zoom I came away feeling even more low with a sinking feeling in my stomach. We had spent an hour talking about their toddlers, babies, morning sickness, which is the best breast pump to use and some rather graphic conversations about childbirth. Although I had nothing to input into these conversations, I remained engaged, asked questions and showed empathy where necessary. After finishing the call I realised my friends were now all on a new journey of their own and that their priorities had very much changed.

I do think my situation was enhanced by the global pandemic, as we couldn’t go out and do what we used to do, regardless of whether my friends had kids or not. However, the connection that I used to have with them had changed as their interests and what they wanted to talk about were very different. Although my friend’s lives changed dramatically when they had children, I have noticed a lot of positives that have come out of it as well. Some of them have become a lot more empathetic, more caring and sweat less about the little stuff.

Things do improve in your friendships. Over time your friends who have had children come back around as they get to a point where they are ready to start venturing out and having fun again. This is where you come in as the childless fun auntie. They start to seek you out for 1-1 time with you away from their kids to start to feel like themselves again. “I really needed this” is a common phrase said by my friends after we have been for a dinner or had a few drinks and a well needed catch up. I find 1-1 conversations are a lot more focussed on them as individuals and it doesn’t revolve around stories about their children. 1-1 you get deeper into things and you are able to input into these conversations and share what is going on in your life. In a group environment a heavy proportion of the time is filled with conversations about their kids, what they aren’t eating, reading out their latest school reports and always bringing it back round to child birth horror stories that genuinely make me feel queasy. I have just learnt as time has gone on that when I see my friends with kids, this is how things will be. I have just accepted that we will talk a lot about kids and I just turn up armed with questions to take a genuine interest in their lives. At the end of the day they are still my friends, I love them dearly, and I care about their lives and what goes on in them.

Here are some things I have found useful to help maintain my friendships with my friends who have children:

• Make the time to see them and work around their schedule

Children require routine. Therefore, being flexible about plans with your friends can really help them. Making yourself available and working around their routine will give you more opportunities to see your friends, especially when their children are really young. I have accepted that I will most often travel to see my friends to be able to work around their kids. I know it will not be forever and that it is just something I need to do in order to see my friends more often than not.

• Regularly commit to something on the calendar and accept that this may change.

Plans change, especially when your friends have children. Last minute things come up, their children are sick, childcare falls through. The best thing I did was to accept this and have a back-up plan that was fun and focussed on self-care. For example, if I had plans to go out for dinner with a friend then I would have a back-up plan of a movie night with a face mask and made sure I had popcorn in the cupboard. Or plans in the day could be substituted for reading a brand-new book with a candle and a cup of tea. Having a back up plan focussed on you makes it a lot easier to deal with last minute cancellations.

• Be present.

This calls for any friendships whether or not they have children or not. Being present and being in the moment is the best thing you can do for your friendships. When you have committed your time to seeing someone, show up fully with no other distractions. Growing up I was never really good at listening as I was so focussed on being the clown or on what I was going to say next. This is a skill I have really developed over time and throughout my career and think it has helped in all aspects of my life. By showing someone you are listening and taking time to process what they are saying rather than thinking about what you want to say really shows someone you care and that they are being heard.

• Show up for your friends even if you can’t relate to what they are going through.

It’s hard to empathise with someone when you cannot relate to what they are going through. This doesn’t mean that you still can’t try and to check-in with them regularly. Ask questions and be curious about what they are going through. Really listen to them to show that you care and try to imagine things from their perspective. If I find myself thinking about one of my friends who is going through a tough time, I will make sure that I reach out to them. We can often let our own lives take over and think we will message them or check in in a few days’ time. If I don’t have time to message them there and then, I will set a reminder in my phone at a time when I know I will be free and have the headspace to reach out to them.

• Say yes to things that may not be your idea of fun.

Time is precious and I believe in setting boundaries and only saying yes to things which will be fun or you would enjoy. As I have got older, I have realised that I clung onto friendships in the past and did things that I necessarily didn’t want to do. However, when you know your friends are worth the effort then there are times where you need to say yes to things which aren’t necessarily your idea of fun. Look for the benefits in everything you do. Spending 2 hours in a soft play with loads of screaming children may not be the first place you think to hang out, but if this means you get a chance to catch up with your friend you haven’t seen in a while and check in, then say yes.

• Accept that friendships evolve and change.

The relationships with my friends who have children have definitely changed, but I still love them and enjoy spending time with them, it’s just different. I feel most alive when I am exploring, out in nature or doing something new. Something I love, which I don’t do enough is going to a friend’s house and having a glass of wine or two with a good old catch up. This has been replaced by a cup of tea and a conversation interrupted by their children. Or a cup of coffee in a soft play which involves a bit more physical exercise. I have accepted that we will have interrupted, sporadic conversations, and that is ok.

Although I put a lot of effort into my existing friendships, there did come a time when I accepted that I cannot get everything that I need from my current friends. This felt wrong at first and I felt awfully guilting for wanting new friends. However, I came to realise that they are on different journeys to mine and it is OK for me to find likeminded people who are on a similar journey to myself, who I can connect with and enjoy uninterrupted time doing what makes us feel alive.

For my next blog I will be writing about my experience and quest to find new friendships with some handy tips on how you can do the same.