One day I woke up and I could no longer relate to my friends. I didn’t know what they had / were going through by having children as I hadn’t experienced this for myself. The majority of our conversations in person and on messages had changed into something I couldn’t relate to or was part of. Unintentionally I felt excluded and on my own. This feeling led me to spiral, doubt things, and create situations that weren’t really there. I suddenly felt isolated, lost and didn’t know who I was anymore.
Something that dawned on me was there are very few places for women who have made a decision not to have children to meet like-minded women. When I was feeling low and lonely, I took to googling “childfree by choice” and nothing was coming up. All the online forums and support were for women who were childless but not through choice.
Women who choose to have children meet new friends through NCT groups, when they pick up their child from nursery or school, at birthday parties, soft plays and other baby and toddler groups. They have something that instantly bonds and connects them, and they can reach out for advice and support. I found that after my friends had children they were naturally expanding their friendship circles, and it highlighted how I was struggling to do the same.
I realised that things were not going to change unless I took action and put myself into situations where I could meet new people. I was lucky enough to meet a group of women at my gym, where we connected over pushing and championing each other to do our best. Reaching out to start a new hobby or doing a new activity could be a great way to meet likeminded people.
That next year I went on a journey to find myself again, find people I could relate to, find my purpose in life and to start really loving and enjoying every day again.
Here are some ways that helped me get through this period of my life:
- I worked out the things that made me happy and did more of those; reading, creating art, cooking, gardening and being outside in nature.
- I realised that things will come back around and although we are on different paths, my friends are still my friends. I put more effort into seeing them to ensure that our friendships stayed strong.
- I tried new things to meet new people and make new friends. I joined a gym and go to the same time class every morning where I see the same people. I have made friends with a group of women who all support, empower and inspire each other and we meet up outside the gym at least once a month to do something fun.
- I spent time with friends who don’t have children. I still have a couple of friends outside my main friendship group who are yet to have children. I made sure I saw these friends often to continue to do the things we love together.
- I carved out time for self-reflection to evaluate where I was in life, what I wanted out of it and what my purpose was, and to celebrate what I could bring to the world. This sparked the biggest change for me and lead me to taking courses, moving away from my 5 day a week job and into becoming a life coach to support and empower women to live their life fully and follow their dreams.
When I went on a mission to expand my friendship group, feelings of guilt arose about my current friends. I felt guilty for wanting to meet new people as if my friends that had been by my side for all those years were not good enough. I had to remind myself that they were still my friends and I was still going to put effort and energy into our relationships, but that it was OK to meet new people and want more of what my friends could no longer give me.
It wasn’t about cutting ties with old friends. I believe we very much need our friends with kids. How great is it when you get to go and be childlike, explore and play, be silly, and have fun with your friend’s kids. It’s an opportunity to be completely present and carefree. What is even better is you get to give them back after a few hours, go home and continue to spend your time how you want to. It’s a reminder to be grateful for the free time you do have, being able to take naps on the sofa, and having the freedom to do what you want and when you want. Although they are busy and have other priorities, they are still there for you in the bad times and still care about you.
You become a party / holiday magnet. As the person who has decided not to have kids, you are the go-to person when one of your friends needs to let their hair down and have some time away from their children. One of my friends came to me recently and said she wants to do something incredible to raise money for a charity close to her heart, so naturally we are taking on Everest base camp this year in September! You are the person people first think of when they want to do something fun, and it surprised me how many opportunities started to come up when I opened my eyes to them.
Life is a journey and we are faced with challenges that we have to adapt and develop to be able to move through. Things change and we need to give ourselves permission to embrace the change; say goodbye to things and people that no-longer serve us, hold onto and cherish the things and people that still do, and to expand our comfort zones, say yes to life, new people and new adventures!
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