How to make the decision on whether or not to have children.

It is becoming more and more prevalent in the modern world that people are making the decision on whether or not to start a family. With the current state of the climate, the effect of social media on the younger generations, and people putting their career ahead of all else, more and more women are consciously making a decision on whether or not to bring a child into the world.

For some they have been super clear on what they want in life and they have always seen themselves being a mum and raising a family. For others they have never seen themselves having children and the decision has been a no brainer for them living a childfree life. However, for some of us it is not as black and white and we can find ourselves spiralling around and around, exhausted with decision fatigue without a clear direction to go in.

Growing up I was unsure as to whether I would have children or not. I always assumed that I would have a family one day, but otherwise I didn’t give it much thought. It was only in the past few years that my decision to be childless by choice has come about. I have seen many of my close friends embark on the journey of motherhood and over time I have realised this is not the route that I want to take. There are many reasons that I have chosen to lead a childless life, which I will not go into detail now, However, I can say that I am really comfortable with the decision I have made and it feels very right for me and the life I want to live.

After spending a few years struggling wondering whether or not to have children of my own, I found the following useful to finally make a decision that I was confident with:

1. Is pressure from other people fuelling your desire to have children?

We all feel the pressure and expectations of modern-day society. Find a partner, get married, buy a house, start a family, all whilst climbing the ladder in your career. Constant questions around expectations of your next steps; “when are you going to settle down and find a partner?”, “when are you going to get engaged?”, “when are you going to have children?”, “when are you going to have another one?”. I can’t imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of these questions if you had been trying for a family but without any success. This constant pressure we face and consistently thinking about other people’s perceptions of us is draining.

Take a step back and think about the reasons as to why you want to start a family. Are these coming from yourself, or are they mainly being driven by a partner, a parent or friend?

2. Is time having an impact on the decision you are making?

Whether or not to start a family is a big decision to make. With our biological clocks constantly ticking, the reality is we have window in which we can conceive. A decision needs to be made within a certain time limit if we end up wanting to have children to give us the best chances of conceiving. The time aspect around making this decision can leave some people rushing it rather than taking the time to think it through and deciding what they really want in life.

Is the fear of running out of time to conceive swaying you to a particular decision?

3. Does a child fit into your ideal life?

I have always loved travelling, visiting new places and experiencing new things. I feel most alive when I am outside doing things, spending time with my friends and family, or creating new things like art, writing or content. When I thought about the future and my dream life, at the forefront there was time and freedom for me to still be able to do all of these things.

Think about your goals and hopes of your future, what you want out of life and what your dream life looks like. If you have a partner, discuss this with them to ensure you are aligned. Then work out whether a child fits into that life.

4. Uncover your fears which are holding you back from making a decision.

I’ve never been someone who has had a burning desire to have children. My oldest brother had my nieces after he had just finished university and seeing how hard it was and how much it changed his life made me question whether I wanted to go down the same path, albeit later in life.

As I have never really imagined myself with kids, I dug into the underlaying reason as to why I found myself thinking about whether I wanted them or not. I discovered my reasons for having kids was fear. Fear of telling my parents I wasn’t going to give them anymore grandchildren. Fear of missing out on the great things that come with having children; the love, nurturing them and watching them grow up and become their own person. The fear of not fitting in when all my friends were talking about kids. My biggest fear was the fear of growing old and lonely without anyone to look after me. I realised this was the biggest thing that was keeping me wondering whether I should have them or not. Pretty selfish right?

Take a moment to think about the decision whether to start a family or not. Write down all your thoughts and fears that come up for you around that subject. Go through each one and write down a positive phrase to balance out the fear. For example, a fear could be “I am afraid that my parents will not love me if I do not provide them with any grandchildren”. Your balancing statement could then be “my parents have eternal love for me regardless of whether I have children or not”. Or you could have a fear such as “I’m worried that I will not be a good parent and will project my pain onto my children”.  Your balancing statement for this could be “I am a kind and caring person and I will nurture my child to lead their life with this value”. Visit these positive statements every day to re-write your fears and sub-conscious beliefs around your decision. This will help to rid any feelings of shame or guilt that may arise after you have made your decision.

5. Listen to your gut.

The brain and our gut are intimately connected. Our gut can send signals to our brain, and vice versa our brain can send signals to our gut. This is what people refer to when they talk about their ‘gut feel’, or that “I had a feeling in my gut and just knew it was the right decision”.

Take a moment to find somewhere comfortable to sit in silence and where you won’t be disturbed. Rest your hands in your lap and close your eyes. Rid your mind of all thoughts, and when one does pop into your head, acknowledge it is there, and then push it aside without interacting with it. Keep repeating this process any time a thought appears. Take time to sit with yourself in peace for 5 minutes every day to help clear your mind. Over time this may make things easier for you to understand how you are feeling. What is your gut telling you about the decision whether to be childless by choice or not?

6. Imagine you have already made the decision.

Another technique to help you decide is to imagine that you have already made the decision. Believe that you have made the decision to have a child and sit with it for a few days. How does it make you feel? Keep a journal and write all your thoughts, feelings and fears over the next few days around the decision of you having a child.

Carry out the same exercise, but believing you have made the decision not to have children. Again, note down in a journal all your thoughts, feelings and fears throughout the next few days.

Was there a decision that felt more right, where you noted a lot more positive thoughts and feelings? What were the fears that came up for you? Could these have been swaying your decision previously?

       

7. Speak to a professional to work through your decision.

If you are still undecided and do not know what is the best route for you, maybe speaking to a professional could help you to get closer to a decision. Speaking to a neutral person can be a cathartic process and can help you to uncover things about yourself that you may not have previously thought of.

Deciding on whether or not to bring a child into the world is not a light hearted decision and should not be rushed either way. There are so many positives for both raising a family, as well as living a child free life. You need to do what is right for you and the life you want to lead. Take control of this one precious life that you have been given and live it on your terms.